Moats and Drawbridges

Feeling everything and nothing all at once...

Photo by Tim Rebkavets on Unsplash

I'm on the verge of tears.

Right now, at this very moment, I hold back the tears that struggle to drip down my eyelids and pretend the ache in my chest isn't there.

Truth is, I'm a crybaby. My solution to everything is to cry my eyeballs out until I lose my voice (even though I wasn't making any sounds) and then whisper prayers into my father's ears because I know He only holds the solution to whatever is wrong with me.

I'm not sure if I'm on the verge of crying because I feel bad about the fight I just had with my younger brother or because I've been feeling the tears build up since I opened my IG today and stumbled into one too many motivational speakers, personality analysts and relationship coaches and realized something was off about my life.

The problem is, I'm not sure what that thing is. I've had a lot of reasons to reconsider my actions and how I relate with people a lot more this year. Mostly thanks to my new roommates being polar opposites from me and spelling out things I do for me.

For example, I never thought of myself as an alpha female. But it turns out, maybe I am. I'm saying ‘maybe’ because I don't think being very vocal about your opinions and not letting others shut you down, especially when you're certain you're not wrong, is a bad trait. Also because I'm not sure I want to change who I am.

As someone who got bullied a lot and had to learn to stand up for myself, I find it hard not to be on the defensive most times. But that's a story for another day.

Today I'm feeling feelings.

Feelings I can't really explain, but they make me want to cry. I feel terrible. Like I'm the worst human to have ever walked the planet, but deep down I also know I have a loving soul.

Maybe this is what happens when you build a castle around yourself with a moat, drawbridge and the entire shebang to keep intruders out.

Even my mother says I'm secretive. I usually dismissed it when she would say it because I never thought it was true…but I think about it once in a while, and I know in the depths of what makes me human that it's true.

I keep a tonne of things to myself. I've been hurt just enough by people I let in that I've mastered the art of keeping the few ones who try to get near close, but never close enough.

This probably reads like a rant. Or a diary entry.

But I'm not going to delete this. Not even when this feeling has faded into oblivion and I cringe at the words I scribbled on my phone. I'll leave this as a reminder to future me. This messy, unedited rant that has no direction whatsoever, but has a purpose for being written.

In a few months to come, I'll probably feel better. Or worse. Who knows what 400L holds for me? But I'm going to read this and be grateful. Grateful I grew past that stage when every feeling of dread made me question my purpose for existing and feel like just ending it.

I'm not sure how I plan on fixing whatever it is that's missing in my life, since I can't even identify what it is I want to change. But I hope for good things moving forward.

I hope for happy moments and good reasons to laugh and shamelessly dance to Alex Warren on a walk to/from lectures. I do hope I find my happy place once again and the thing I've lost, but can't seem to find.

If you're like me and you're going through this too, I hope you experience good things too. Not really in the mood for hugs right now so I'll sign off with just my name.

Until next time, I remain…

The Orator.